Yeah, I’m complicated. And if you don’t wanna try, why should I? If you’re not going to try towards me, why should I still fight?
..But if you’re willing to try, do me a favor and tell me why. Because you say you love me, but you see what I choose for you to see. Because if I let you inside my mind you’d see the real train wreck. But maybe then you’d understand why it’s so hard for me. No one really wants to fight for me. And I swear I hate myself a little more each day, even if I’m having a good day. Because that good day or that happiness never lasts for more than one day. Because me or seething else ends up destroying it. But hey, I’m just that pathetic depressed kid. And people say i gotta choose happiness or want to get better to get better, but some days i tell myself I’m done, that I’m so done. I’m still here though, aren’t I? ..even if one person tries to fight and tells me it’s gonna be alright, I have a little hope. No matter how much I hate myself, just remembering you trying helps me get by sometimes. Just by that little bit. I tell myself, “well what would they think or say if I started up again?” “I’ve gotta stay strong for them, no matter how bad the urges are.” And sometimes it helps. And the longer I keep from hurting myself physically, the better. For the most part. It drives me crazy sometimes when I haven’t though. I guess you could say it’s an addiction. I don’t constantly do it, but when I don’t I feel like I have to because I haven’t in so long.. And when I can’t fight I resort back to it.