Yeah, I’m complicated. And if you don’t wanna try, why should I? If you’re not going to try towards me, why should I still fight?

..But if you’re willing to try, do me a favor and tell me why. Because you say you love me, but you see what I choose for you to see. Because if I let you inside my mind you’d see the real train wreck. But maybe then you’d understand why it’s so hard for me. No one really wants to fight for me. And I swear I hate myself a little more each day, even if I’m having a good day. Because that good day or that happiness never lasts for more than one day. Because me or seething else ends up destroying it. But hey, I’m just that pathetic depressed kid. And people say i gotta choose happiness or want to get better to get better, but some days i tell myself I’m done, that I’m so done. I’m still here though, aren’t I? ..even if one person tries to fight and tells me it’s gonna be alright, I have a little hope. No matter how much I hate myself, just remembering you trying helps me get by sometimes. Just by that little bit. I tell myself, “well what would they think or say if I started up again?” “I’ve gotta stay strong for them, no matter how bad the urges are.” And sometimes it helps. And the longer I keep from hurting myself physically, the better. For the most part. It drives me crazy sometimes when I haven’t though. I guess you could say it’s an addiction. I don’t constantly do it, but when I don’t I feel like I have to because I haven’t in so long.. And when I can’t fight I resort back to it.

I just realized…It’s OFFICIALLY been 2 weeks!!

(as of 16 mins ago) There were some days of urges, but it’s officially been two weeks without any self-harm. Officially the most days I’ve gone without hurting myself. Last time was 13 days, but I gave in. Right now I’m proud. And I don’t have any urges right now, but eventually I’ll give in. But for now, I’m proud that I’ve gone this long without. 

Pastor: *sees Pokemon shirt I got my bro for Xmas* “Where do you get a shirt like that?”
Bro: Hot Topic
Mom: Hot Topic is where all those emo kids shop at.
Me: …thanks mom.
*Everyone at the dinner table laughs*
Mom: ..What?! It’s true!! That’s what they’re [emo kids] called!!

I actually kinda shop at Hot Topic n so does my bro a little. Isn’t it kinda funny though that I actually am emo and when this conversation happened, I was trying to fight the urges…

I can’t cut, I need to cut, I can’t cut, I need to cut.

(Source: utterly-painful)

I’ve been alone all day…

Unproductive. Didn’t work on my essay at all. Just me & my thoughts. So consumed by my thoughts. By our convo a few nights ago. Me alone = dangerous. Not because I’m going to smoke or drink or through a party or have sex like some teenagers.. Just because me & my thoughts = dangerous. 

It’s been 13 days…

The most I’ve ever gone without so far. But my mom pisses me off so much, so often. I wanna hurt HER.. But instead it’ll be me. Will I give in? It’s sitting right next to me. So tempted to… I was pretty proud that it has been 13 days already. Not even 2 weeks yet..so I can’t give in, right? No, I can’t stand it. All the old scars are fading, I need new ones. I need to feel that stinging sensation… But I might see people tonight. But I’ll be covered anyways. Goddamnit!! gdalqvqpsvwvdiswulnzbe I always let everything get the best of me. I’m trying to be strong, but with u bein negative n making me feel shitty, it’s kind of hard to be!! >:(

I love the both of you. You know I do. Or..at least I hope you do. Well, I love you both. :) And I’m just that weird, awkward Asian girl you know who always says a buncha things to both of you online rather than in person because I’m a weirdo like that.. And whether it’s online or in person, what you guys say means a lot to me, really. 

 ..awk gif ._.

————————————————————————————————

I always second guess myself. I’m always so pessimistic towards myself and I wish I weren’t, but I am. I just hate my skin and myself n I don’t see how anyone could think otherwise. I know it’s not the best or healthiest thing to do. But then when you guys say that you love me, and for that short moment I’m touched and I actually feel like I’m worth something. But then I always second guess myself and just think how could anyone love me? I’m not worth it. for anything. 

I know it’s kinda a lot to ask.. but please help me. I can be the most difficult person and I may not be very receptive and am the most stubborn person ever, but I know it’s not good or healthy. I rarely ask people for help, and I know online is cowardly, but I didn’t really know how to just bring it up. It’s not something people usually bring up in conversation…

I gave up on Him for reasons in the past. Maybe He just hates me. Or I don’t have enough faith or he doesn’t wanna help me every time, or that I don’t listen enough. I don’t think he answered ever, just once. Because in the past I prayed for years and he never came to my rescue. Eventually it passed. He can’t stop everything, I get that..  I was just crying out to him to help me. literally. To help me stop. To fight the urges. But maybe he knew he couldn’t stop me anyways. That he knew I’d do it because I’m stubborn. It always stings for a little bit the next day and I regret it the slightest bit. The only thing I regret is that one friend saw…but she believed what I told her, so it’s fine. I know it’s not the best way to handle things. But it’s better to hurt myself than others. Because I know that if I’m pissed and others get in the way I’ll probably end up hurting them…emotionally or physically.  Sometimes I just need to. I can’t to explain it to someone who doesn’t have urges to do so, but I just need to sometimes. I don’t really know how to explain it to others. It makes sense to me, but when I try to explain it, nothing comes up. What’s worse? Having the pain inside or out? It doesn’t matter, it’s been both. Even before I started self-harming. Both.

..I told myself I never would. But I always end up lying to myself. If there’s anyone I’ve lied to the most, it’s myself. I can tell myself something positive and want to believe it, but I can’t. ‘Cause I’m so damn pessimistic. I take in every little negative thing and it’s already like it’s cutting me up, on the inside. I told myself I’d never, but I thought about it in middle school and engraved my skin instead. I told myself to fight, but I couldn’t and gave in. 

Idk how to explain it, but it kinda helps me. It just feels okay. Well..there’s this one website where you can help others or vent to others anonymously and this one girl I talked to has helped me more than any other listener has. ..Because she self-harmed and she understood. And you guys may not understand it, but sometimes it’s just a way to get my mind off things and when I’m thinking about the physical pain, it takes away from all the other thoughts swarming my head.

..I know I shouldn’t, but I do. It’s not that bad…stings, but never too deep. I kinda hate feeling the urges so often. I mean, if you don’t then that’s cool..I’m like the most complicated person ever, so… Either way though, could you please just keep it to yourselves? I know, I’m putting it on a  website, but even tho I have 100 followers, none of them ever read my uber long posts anyways… So basically it’s like I’m writing to myself.

Self-hate

I told myself I wouldn’t, but I did. I told myself that what they said might help me, but it didn’t. I told myself to fight, but I couldn’t. I give up too easily. I tried to take Lhead’s advice…but I fought against them. The rubber band didn’t work for long. If they knew, they’d probly be hurt. But if I didn’t, I’d probly hurt them even more. And I don’t like hurting my friends. 

I gave in because I needed it. I just needed it. I needed to feel it. I gave in because I have so much hate for myself. I wish I didn’t, but I do. My friend told me “I, (3 other friends) & He’ll never give up on you. He’ll keep chasing after you…” I just kept telling myself: “It’s not true. Why would anybody want to? I’m not worth it.” For that short moment when my friends tell me something, I actually feel like I’m worth something, and when I’m having a bad day I try to re-run their words in my head, but ultimately I end up losing, I end up giving up and giving in. I run through all the bad memories, have the urges and try to fight against. But I end up losing. Always. I didn’t always have the urges, but I always ended up losing. I gave up, told myself a thousand times that I’m not worth it. Not worth fighting for. 

Me & God… I gave up on Him awhile ago. But sometimes I still pray, in hopes that He’ll answer. But I guess I don’t have enough faith, He says no every time, or He doesn’t like me.. I was hoping, just hoping. I literally cried out to Him last night, asking Him to help. To make it stop. To not make me hate myself so much. To stop the urges. Some days I just wanna die. I don’t wanna commit suicide, I just wanna die. I just want God to make up His mind. Press a button and that’s it. My life’s over. 

I don’t want any help from anyone though. Like if any of my friends stumble across this, then talk to me. But I know you won’t. But if you do read this, then let me explain some things. Don’t just assume. Because assumptions will KILL me. Someone assumed something that I told them before.. Brought people into my life to interfere with shit they didn’t even know the whole damn story of and fucked up relationships. I already didn’t have a good relationship, but they ruined it even more.